Last Sunday I went to church on about 2 hours of sleep, which was rough, but then the horrible nights continued for about 5 more nights and it just got worse. I was definitely in survival mode most of last week, going through the motions of the day and sleeping (sort of) when the kids did. Finally on Friday I had a meltdown. I got Caleb to sleep and was lying by Anna for her nap. She will only take a nap if I lie down by her in bed and tell her to close her eyes and lie still until she falls asleep. Anna just kept wiggling and being silly and I just got more and more frustrated because I wanted to go to sleep too. I finally took her stuffed bear away because she kept playing with it and she started crying. Loudly. Which woke Caleb up. Which meant no nap for me. I lost it. I started crying, laid Caleb next to Anna, and went to my room and cried in my own bed for about 20 mins. Barrett came home and rescued us all a little while later, but I still didn't get a nap because the kids were awake and I can't sleep when they are awake.
Lets just say I wasn't proud of that moment. I have a hard time staying happy when I don't get enough sleep. My mom used to tell me to go take a nap when I was a teenager because I would get really grumpy because I was tired. I thought I had improved since then, but not getting enough sleep for several days in a row pushed the limit. I thought I was tired after having a baby, but it was nothing like this week. I was bone tired. I still haven't quite gotten caught up, but Caleb is finally sleeping at night and I'm starting to feel better. My house is like a tornado right now because I haven't had the energy to clean it, but hopefully this week will be much better!
Anyway, this post is mostly me venting I guess. Writing is truly therapeutic. I really do love my life and my role as a mother, but I never realized how difficult it can be. It truly is the most unselfish job there is and yet is so rewarding in little ways. When your baby lies in your arms and looks up with love and adoration, when your toddler says "I want Mommy to hold you" just because she wants to be loved and be with you, when your husband says "thanks for taking care of me" all the long nights and crazy days are worth it. I wouldn't trade my job as a mother for anything because I know that family is what matters most. I know that God has a plan for me and that plan involves being a mother and teaching my children about Him. As I write this I feel the Spirit confirming to me that this role is so important and is exactly what I should be doing right now. I definitely have many improvements to make in my nurturing, but I am trying hard to be the best mother I can be by following the teachings of the gospel.
Who couldn't love these faces?
